#im hungry but i think ill just skip breakfast and wait for them to have lunch together

[celticwoman]

waking up to an empty house like 🧍🏻‍♀

[andypantsx3]

shoto and 'when i find out who is responsible for this...' IM A SUCKER FOR OVERPROTECTIVE SHO LMAO

This one was one of my faves to write, I really hope you like it!

Damage | Todoroki/Reader

Prompt: “When I find out who is responsible for this...” Word Count: 1600 words Tags/Warnings: SFW, ye olde quirk accident trope Notes: Special thanks again to my lady love @bobawithpomegranate for beta-ing me!! Also, for anyone who hasn’t suffered a corporate job: KPIs = key performance indicators, which are a set of business metrics used to measure success in certain areas.

The first sign that something was wrong should have been in line for security. 

Ayako—your favorite member of the Todoroki Agency security team—was waving a detector wand over your clothes when she asked casually, “How’s it going?”

Any other morning, your response was something along the lines of, “Oh, it’s going. How are you?” This morning, however, you blurted, “Good! Except that I bumped someone on the train and spent ten minutes trying to get a coffee stain out of this shirt, and I feel a little sick when I think about leading the KPIs review because Shouto’s property damage numbers are up again which doesn’t look great, so I skipped breakfast but honestly I’m super hungry right now, that was a bad choice, and—”

You cut yourself off, utterly bewildered. Ayako looked similarly nonplussed, raising a slim brow. 

“Uh, nevermind. I’ll just be going,” you said, and hared off to the rest of the security checkpoints before she could give commentary.

So you might have known that something was wrong even before you let yourself into Shouto’s manager’s office, armed with your monthly spreadsheets and performance slide decks. But you hadn’t given it more thought since then, a move which proved to be a complete mistake.

Shouto was already there, lounging in the set of chairs in front of his manager’s desk, looking less like a hero waiting for a meeting and more like some airbrushed ad for his dark turtleneck or his close-fit grey slacks. Your heart shot into your throat at the sight of him, like it usually did, and you had to remind yourself to relax.

Though he was unbearably handsome to the point of distraction, Shouto was relatively easy to get along with, something that should have made you calmer in his presence. He was straightforward, possessed of very little ego, thoughtful, and a very linear and strategic thinker—you’d worked extremely well with him the past couple of years, and Shouto, though he had less to do with the daily operations of the agency, had helped push your promotion last year to Director of Public Relations. It should have added up to an easy and uncomplicated work partnership, but his personality only made your unfortunate crush on him even worse.

He was so horribly, horribly perfect. And you were an awful little metrics gremlin, called in to roast him over the open flame of public opinion once a month. Really not something Shouto might be interested in.

“Y/N,” he said, looking up from his phone and fixing you with an intent look. Your heart stuttered under those heterochromatic eyes.

“Hi, Shouto,” you said, setting down your bag and digging out your laptop for something to take your attention off of him. “How are you?”

“I’m well,” he answered in his deep tone. “How are you?”

And that was it. The damning question that sent it all to hell.

“My heart feels like it could explode any second, and I feel kind of faint, weirdly weak, and incredibly distracted,” you answered, naming the symptoms of his very presence.

There was a beat of silence. You froze, crouched over your bag, laptop halfway out of it. Then it hit you what had just been said, and you slapped a hand over your mouth in horror. 

Shouto was up out of his chair in the blink of an eye, kneeling in front of you with cool fingers on your face, angling it towards him.

“You’re not well?” he asked, those eyes locking on you with an alarming intensity.

His attention only made things worse. “I feel like I might pass out,” you said, cringing even as the words left your mouth.

Fuck, what the hell were you saying? You were making it sound like you were some Victorian maiden, ready to swoon in the mere company of a gentleman. And why were you saying this shit? You’d worked with him for years and you’d never let slip the effect he had on you—what was wrong with you this morning?

You thought back to the coffee incident on the train this morning, the way the girl whose drink you had spilled had startled, the way she had weirdly apologized to you even as you were in the midst of your own apology.

A sense of foreboding settled over you. 

Oh.

Oh fuck.

“I think I’ve been hit with a quirk,” you blabbed.

Shouto’s features shuttered, a hard look you’d never really seen before entering his eye. He went over to his manager’s desk, dialing a number on her office phone, and then he was talking in low tones, asking someone from medical to come up to her office immediately.

Then he was back at your side, easing you carefully to the floor like you actually were in danger of passing out, and not just a huge idiot with an incredibly fat crush that made you say the world’s most ridiculous things.

“When I find out who’s responsible for this,” he uttered, low and dangerous, “they might never be able to use a quirk again.”

For some reason, the threat warmed you, even as it sent a little shiver down your spine. Was it weird to find him hot when he was angry?

You clamped your mouth firmly shut, lest you tell him exactly what illness prevailed you, but your silence was all for naught.

Because when one of the medical staff made it up to the office, pressing a quirk testing strip to your skin, she pronounced, “A truth quirk.”

Shouto caught your hand before it could smack into your forehead, looking surprised that he had done so. And then even more surprised at the pronouncement.

“A truth quirk,” he echoed, looking down at you curiously. His fingers were gentle where they held your wrist.

You squirmed uncomfortably under his scrutiny.

“But then, you’re still not well,” he said. He looked up at the medical staffer. “She’s feeling faint, and having problems with her heart.”

“She’s fine,” the staffer confirmed, holding up a scanner with your vital readings. They were embarrassingly perfect—incredibly, perfectly, damnably normal.

You could have died. You literally could have died.

Shouto looked down at you with a little wrinkle on his perfect brow, obviously wondering how you could admit symptoms like that given a truth quirk, only for there to be no physical sign of them. You tried to hold down the truth, but another question from him doomed you.

“But how?” he asked, clearly concerned, cool fingers smoothing over your cheekbone.

“I have an insanely huge crush on you,” you blurted. Then you unleashed a string of colorful swears, flushing so hot you thought you might catch fire.

Those heterochromatic eyes went a little round at the edges.

The medical staffer looked like she was trying very hard not to laugh as she bade a quick farewell. She was out the door before you could catch her sleeve and hold her like a shield against Shouto’s incredibly penetrating stare.

“I’m. Um. You know, sorry and everything,” you added. “I won’t let it interfere with work. I mean, I haven’t, any of the past couple years—fuck, oh my god, I just said that—”

Shouto was watching your mouth like he couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of it.

“Say it again,” he said.

You paused, staring at him. “What?”

“Tell me how you’re feeling.”

“My heart feels like it could explode any second, and I feel kind of faint, weirdly weak, and incredibly distracted,” you answered obediently.

“Because of me,” he said, like it was a wonder.

You gave him an annoyed look. Obviously because of him, who the fuck else did he think wielded that combination of attractiveness and straightforward appeal like an S-class quirk of its own?

Shouto choked on a laugh, and you realized with some horror that you’d said all of that out loud. 

Damn the fucking truth quirk.

“I don’t know,” Shouto said, sounding amused. “I think I rather like it. When I find out who is responsible for this, I might have to thank them instead.”

This stopped you short.

He what now?

“I’m sorry, what?”

Something a little like a smirk curled the corner of Shouto’s mouth. “It is generally gratifying to know one’s feelings are returned, wouldn’t you agree?”

“I wouldn’t know—” you started, feeling annoyed with him again. Then you choked when the implication of his words sank in.

Shouto’s fingers slid down to cup your chin, and suddenly it felt like every nerve ending in your body was concentrated there, the touch magnified a thousand-fold into an all-consuming sensation. 

“Would you like me to kiss you?” he asked lightly, looking smug.

“Oh my god yes—” The answer was out of your mouth before he’d even finished the question.

Shouto laughed, and then he was leaning in. You could feel the smile still on his mouth when it met yours. Shouto’s kiss was careful and attentive, but you could sense something deeper beneath, the same kind of restrained sort of passion that underlaid his quirk. Having that kind of controlled intensity turned on you was something you could have never prepared for.

The kiss became deeper and more heated, and Shouto was just easing you backwards again, still pressed firmly to you, when the door opened and his manager blew in.

“This is a fucking office,” she said, stepping over the two of you like you were a grimy puddle in the street. “Now hurry the fuck up, we have KPIs to review. Shouto—don’t think this will derail me from your property damage numbers increasing.”

Shouto huffed into your mouth, slumping against you.

You couldn’t do anything but laugh.

Current event masterlist in pinned!

[0vv0b]

I say con report but things about the con is barely mentioned in this...this is just a roller coaster of events that happened to me in the span of 2 days.

Day 1 (SAT)

I was so ready for this con right like I drew the prints a month before printing and printed them 3 days before the con so I can prepare for any last-minute thing that might happen like I was SO ready!! But then just as I was about to leave for the con my dog suddenly peed on my shoe;;; I was meeting my tablemates that morning but I was the last to get there because I had to wash and dry my shoe first.

Our table!!

I HAD TO COVER HIM UP BECAUSE THERE WERE CHILDREN

Everything was calm in the morning but around noon people started to come in lots. The MC in the back was very loud and I was getting worried because I couldn’t tend to people fast enough (can’t hear clearly), I also ran out of change so I started to panic big time it was really embarrassing… (lol why am I like this)

I was supposed to leave around 3:30 pm for class but I kept delaying because it still wasn’t confirmed if the prof was going to teach or not lmao. We have a group chat and most my classmates didn’t really want to have classes because it was raining really bad. The prof cancelled around 30 mins before classes start so I was able to stay til end of day 1! (would’ve been better if it was cancelled early because my nerves were killing me hhhhhhhhhh)

There were lots of BNHA cosplayers!! There was a cheer squad group cosplay and people were swooning all over them! They wanted to buy my BNHA prints but hnnnggs already sold out, except my Kirishima print, which the Kirishima cosplayer bought!! 

It looked like kiri was his fave (if the cosplay wasn’t obvious enough lol kou) because he was so happy buying the kiri print!! it was like seeing irl kiri!!! HE SMILE SO PURE!! SO BRIGHT!!! 

I remember there was a Dabi, Toga, and Shiragaki group that bought our stuffs! 

The Shiragaki cosplayer was so cute they were pointing at which prints they wanted to buy because they couldn’t speak properly wwwwww

sorry I couldn’t take pics I was a dead tired granpa with a hurting back who slept under our table

Day 2 (SUN)

Day 2 was a lot stressful so buckle up. Note that I was carrying that grid thingy THE WHOLE TIME from house til i got to the con.

I was supposed to wake up early to reprint stuffs but I overslept I rushed out of the house with nothing but coffee for breakfast (big mistake). Sunday traffic was super light though! Very different from a weekday!

Anyways, en route to print shop I had to take transit I was making time but I was still rushing I didn’t notice I went into the driver’s car, which I didn’t know was half reserved for senior citizens and there was a chain border thingy that’s kind of a hassle to step over so I just stayed put.

It was really awkward the granma and granpas were looking at me and then the granpa beside me farted that lasted 2 stations.

I had to keep a poker face and take shallow breathes I didn’t want to hurt his feelings because I know he can’t help it and I was in the wrong car anyways so I had to face The Consequences lmao

When I got to the print shop the guard there told me they were closed on Sundays but there was a branch nearby that’s supposedly walking distance. It wasn’t though… I’ve walked 3?? 5?? km before decided to take a cab ToT . The area was a super windy too because i think there was still a low pressure area in the country so I was like

I got to the print shop but I was running a bit late and I’m starting to get tired and hungry my arms spaghetti but when the guy opened my prints folder I foRGOT MY PRINTS WERE KINDA… HONKA HONKA I didn’t think they minded tho bUT I KINDA DID AND WHEN ONE GUY WAS ABOUT TO CUT OUT THE CRAIG PRINTS I HEARD HIM GO—

lmao I was half tired half embarrassed I just didn’t care that much. I thought their reactions were funny.

I was already running because it was past lunch and my tablemate was texting me that there were people waiting for like an hour to buy my prints I WAS LIKE HOLY SHIT WHAT IM SO SORRY I zoomed through the station all sweaty like a mad man and rode the transit again (got in the correct car this time) and ppl were looking at me funny;;;;

After transit, I had to commute via jeep then walk for a bit to get to the venue. But when I stepped off the jeep it started raining like hell I thought my prints would get wet so I

AGGRESSIVELY RUNS THROUGH A STORM

I went up an overpass soaked all over ( lol and the security guard looked so sorry for me he didn’t even check my bag he just let me in. T-thank you........ ) and when I went down it had already stopped raining… 

By this time, I was power walking and I see the venue but my joints are hurting because light breakfast and almost no lunch I was thinking “I’m finally here!! Yay!” When I got inside though the escalators were dead.

The con was held at the 5th floor :)

I DIDN’T GIVE UP I MANAGED TO DRAG MY ASS AND THANKFULLY ESCALATORS FROM 3RD TO 5TH FLOOR WERE WORKING

Day 2 Table set up!!

When I got to our table there really were lots of people waiting in line I FELT SO WARM AND TENDER AND SOFT BC AWWWW (also the things that happened prior already butchered me) BUT ALSO FELT GUILTY BECAUSE IF I DIDN’T OVERSLEEP I COULD’VE GOTTEN HERE EARLY IM REALLY SORRY!!

Day 2 went by so fast for me because I got to the con late and I stayed under the table most of the time to dry myself off and rest T_T (I didnt wanna walk around with wet clothes gjkdshdgd gross) One of our table mates was sleeping under here too and I was like yea dude same.

By the time I was dry and able to roam around it was already closing time but managed to grab a few loots because they were price dropped last-minute (Oshawott and Snivy plushies). Lucky!!

Closing time was WILD: everyone was (aggressively) trading merch to each other and it was extremely sweet, fun, and cute!! lots of screaming!

ALSO?!???? Kami (@kittlekrattle) delivered my copy of the suits zine herself i met up w her outside the con???? I also kinda met her mom too gjkhfdsdjghdfg THANKS KAMI!!!

Then we had post con dinner at this Japanese food place called Yabu! They refill your side dishes and drinks for free!!! Everything was so delicious!! (except the wasabi... don’t ask...)

We kept dropping our chopsticks so much we had to ask for spoon and fork lmao

If I learned something important from this experience its to NOT. SKIP. BREAKFAST

ALSO I CARRIED THAT LARGE GRID THINGY ALL DAY RIGHT BUT WE DIDNT ACTUALLY NEED IT FOR OUR DISPLAY HAHAH ok thats it i think ill sleep some more bc im still so tired

[bellygunnr]

You can be proud, too.

Darkness cloaked the outskirts of the Seiseki practice field, clinging desperately to the fence and to Kazama as he hid out of sight. The steady thud of a soccer ball being struck rang out prominently throughout the field but sounded hollow, lifeless, without purpose. It was a jarring sound and kept Kazama on the alert, listening intently to each shot.

Tsukamoto, what are you doing? He couldn't help but muse. That doesn't sound like you...

 Another soccer ball was launched but didn't meet the net. It struck a flat surface instead and ricocheted away. Kazama could almost picture it in his mind's eye: Tsukamoto launching the ball, eyes sparkling with his unfaltering determination, the ball not quite hitting home. He could see the frustration build and then suddenly vanish into the next strike.

 Thud.

 The picture suddenly crumpled away, replaced by something worse. A Tsukamoto with flat eyes and a straight mouth, staring unseeingly ahead of himself. Was that the Tsukamoto practicing now? What the hell happened? Why was there no spirit?

 Thud. Thud-crack.

 Thud.

 Three rapid kicks with only two meeting the goal. Kazama shook his head in some distaste. Are you happy about that, Tsukamoto? It was becoming painful to listen to. He could feel himself grimacing severely, teeth clicking together as he clenched them. It physically pained him to hear the empty thuds- all while knowing just who was responsible for them.

 So I will just have to see you tomorrow.

 Using the surrounding dark, Kazama left, his ears ringing with the sound of lifeless soccer.

  Sunlight shined without reproach in Tsukamoto's eyes, stirring him from sleep that had been fitful at best.  He fluttered his eyes open and immediately groaned, rolling onto his side. His body ached all over from yesterday's practice but so did his head. Remnants of last night's escapade slowly rose to the forefront of his mind. He grimaced in pain and dug under his blankets.

 His phone buzzed suddenly, short and sweet.

 With equal reluctance, Tsukamoto snatched it from his bedside table and took it under with him...

 You have 10 unread text messages.

 Who on earth...? Had he missed something? Quickly, he began sifting through the messages.

  Jin Kazama :

good morning tsukushi~~ (10:30am)

i'm having eggs for breakfast (10:31am)

what are you having? (10:35am)

 Chikako Ubukata :

Don't forget to go to practice today. (9:34am)

It's in the evening as usual. (9:51am)

 Jin Kazama :

do you want to go get lunch tsukushi? (11:12am)

i just ate but im still hungry!! (11:12am)

...are you sleeping still tsukushi? (11:23am)

 Chikako Ubukata :

Why is Kazama messaging me about you? (11:30am)

...Okay. We're eating lunch together. (11:40am)

Be ready soon. (11:42am)

~ ~ ~

 Tsukamoto's stomach twisted and turned upon finishing the slew of text messages, shrinking into a tight knot as he looked at the time. 11:43am glared starkly back at him, angry and blinking. Ubukata-san's going to be upset if I'm not ready when she gets here... Maybe I should text her back...

~ ~ ~

im so sorry jin!! i guess i slept longer than i thought...

i just woke up

 The response was immediate and flurried.

 Jin Kazama :

tsukushiiiii!! you're awake! :D

ubukata-san and i are on our way to your house~

be ready! we're eating ramen

 what??? now???

i'll try to be ready in time...

~ ~ ~

 How startling! I wish I hadn't slept so late...

"Tsukushi! Just in time, I was about to come get you..." His mother, impossibly happy, greeted him with a wide-spread smile. "Jin and Ubukata-san are here to take you to lunch!" She gestured to the doorway where, indeed, the two familiar faces were standing.

"I'm sorry guys! I tried to get ready as fast as I could..." Tsukamoto flushed in embarrassment, turning his already pink cheeks red. "I hope you didn't wait too long." He couldn't help but notice that his mother looked the happiest than she had in ages. A pang went through him.

Kazama shook his head, but Chikako was tapping her foot.

"You're just fine, Tsukushi! The only thing you've kept waiting is my stomach."

 ---

"Tsukamoto, you look like you've been through the mill. Did you sleep at all?"

 Ubukata-san was immediately at him as they stepped out the door, analyzing him with her scrutinizing eyes. She seemed to immediately bring out the worst in his appearance: his disheveled hair, shadowed eyes, his clothes that were just a little too big on him. He couldn't help but look away for a moment but came back with a smile:

"I slept just fine! I promise. I was just in a rush!"

He glanced at Kazama several footsteps ahead. His gait was open and free but he knew he was listening closely. I have to be convincing.

 "Fine. I'll take you on that for now, Tsukamoto."

 And she did... until they were eating lunch.

Three steaming bowls of ramen were placed before them and distributed to each respective person. The smell was strong and delicious, making Tsukamoto's stomach growl loudly. I guess I haven't eaten for a while... When was the last time had eaten? He had lost his appetite completely sometime yesterday.

Just focus, Tsukushi. He shook his head and immediately dug into his bowl, neglecting to roll his sleeves up.

"How are you feeling, Tsukamoto?" Chikako spoke up, eyes trained carefully on the small forward. She had barely tucked into her own meal and was busying her hands with stirring it slowly. Kazama glanced at her with a raised eyebrow.

"Um, hungry. A little tired." He tried to reply honestly but he couldn't help but sound clipped, as if guarding something. He hastily shoveled a mouthful of noodles into his mouth.

"Not too tired for practice, I hope." Jin spoke up cheerfully. "It just isn't the same if you're not there."

A flare of hope and shame fluttered desperately in Tsukamoto's belly at the words. He had been thinking about skipping practice tonight... But, with a heavy tongue:

"Of course I'll be there, guys. Why wouldn't I be?"

----

 True to his word, Tsukamoto did arrive at practice later that day. Kazama watched him from the corner of his eye with some interest, momentarily tuning out the rest of the locker room's bustle. Something happened, he noted. Kazama tugged his shirt over his head and swiped up his phone in one fell swoop.

 ~ ~ ~

who did it

 Tsukusunshine :

who did what??

 don't play dumb who did it

youre limping

tell me

 Tsukusunshine :

...

...

they said they

would be here at the practvkh

 ill kill them

~ ~ ~

 Kazama threw his phone into his locker with a violent flick of his hand, nostrils flaring. His blood roared in his ears and thumped his head wildly, making it hard to think coherently. Those bastards! Things became difficult to see as; a red film was washing over everything.

"J- Jin? It's... okay..." Kazama turned on Tsukamoto with a sharp wheel, his fists clenched. The smaller first-year had recoiled away from him as if struck, his chest still bare. Kazama could see a patchwork of blossoming bruises covering his skin.

 I'm going to do everything they did to you tenfold, Tsukushi.

 "It's not okay, Tsukushi." He had to fight to bring himself back down from the brink of uncontrolled rage. Guilt riddled his stomach- he had scared his poor sunshine away... "Lets get you dressed," he added much more gently.

"We'll tell the coach you can't practice today, okay? I know you're hurt..." His voice had softened and eased into a murmur. He carefully lifted Tsukamoto's shirt out of his own hands and readied it to be slipped on. "When did this happen, Tsukushi?"

"...I think... yesterday afternoon. Um, I don't know who they were. Must have been third-years."

"And what did they say? Arms up." Tsukamoto obeyed and Kazama slid his shirt over his lean frame, voice hushed.

 ----

 "They let you stay out of pity."

 "You're a liability."

 "What are you thinking, even going to Seiseki?"

 ----

 "Tsukushi...? Tsukushi, you don't have to answer." Kazama grasped the boy's sudden trembling hands in hopes to steady them. A look of unbridled fear was shining deep within his blue eyes; Tsukamoto hung his head with a choked noise.

 ----

 "You should just quit."

 "You've done nothing there- nothing of use, anyway."

 The memories flashed vividly in his mind. Their laughing, mocking faces and jeering voices suddenly became crystal-clear again.

 ----

 Before he knew it, Tsukamoto was weeping openly. Hot tears spilled down his cheeks and fell unceremoniously to the ground, body wracked with choked sobs.

"I- I tried to fight it, I did, K- Kazama-kun..."

"Th- they jumped me t- today and y- yesterday," he gasped.

Kazama swallowed, swept Tsukamoto into his arms. He could feel the rest of Seiseki swarming around them now, curiosity getting the better of them. Anger swirled in the recesses of his mind and all around him.

"You said they were coming to the field today...?"

"Y- yes..."

"They won't leave alive."

[theroadtorestoration-blog]

5/26/2017 I would like to hold myself accountable in some way, so I'm going to start posting. Today I binged. These past few weeks have consisted of more binges than these past few months and it's scaring me. I started meeting with my therapist because of this and because of an ample amount of free time. I believe this amount of free time is causing me to think FAR too much about "fixing" myself, which is why I end up bingeing. My breakfasts and lunches have been satisfactory in the eyes of a girl on a weight loss journey, but if you ask my therapist, they are considered restrictive. Anyways, I'm going to be posting before, during, and after binges from now on in order to get a clearer sense of some of the reasons behind WHY I keep falling down this path. I'd really like to make this summer a time for myself to get closer to overcoming this battle of one and I believe the first step is being honest. So, here I am. Post-binge & post-purge as I walk the Weber Center track. My goal for the night is to reach 20,000 steps. Is this overexercise? Probably, but the highly irrational side of my brain is okay with that because... well.. whatever leads to weight loss. While I'm here, I guess I'll say how my day went and maybe I'll discover some potential triggers. 8:00- woke up and showered. I put on a cute outfit but I changed into a more comfortable one that made me feel really bad about my body. I changed bc I thought I'd get cold at graduation rehearsal. I even put on lipstick and earrings! Probably bc I wanted to impress my boo thang 8:15- I had my ACV and then I ate breakfast. I make myself drink this before breakfast bc I believe it's the magic waste loss cure. I wanted some protein so I started out with a strawberry Greek yogurt. I then made some oatmeal and had that as my starch instead of granola because for some reason I thought eating oatmeal would keep me from binging today ??? Who knows. My logic is skewed. I put 1 tbsp of protein in it bc I thought more protein = fuller tummy = lower chance of bingeing. I then had a disgusting overcooked hard boiled egg. My reflux of that was SICKENING. I had a strawberry too. I really wanted to binge but I left.... 8:35- supposed to be at graduation rehearsal @ 9. There was a breakfast from 8-9 that I skipped bc HA. when's the last time I've ever gone to a provided breakfast??? The idea of putting one of those bagels in my system makes me wanna barf. Disgusting carbs. 8:44- I arrive at niles North. I don't wanna see these people. Ugh. I wanna hide myself. I don't wanna walk in front of that crowd and get body shamed. I wanna see vaughn but I don't want him to see me. If I cross my arms over my belly maybe my body will turn invisible. 9:00- the gym is filled with pastries and bagels. Yuck. How does everyone just eat all of that stuff so carelessly? 9:05- the rehearsal is fine and long and I just wanna go and get on with my day. I'm so sick of this place and I hate all of this small talk. I see Uche and vaughn talking. Blah. I see tiselle. I think she hates me. Do I owe her an apology? Vaughn and I aren't even really dating. We've basically just hooked up and had some sleepovers. 9:40- omg there was this thing we had to do when we went to our seats and the person directly across from you in the parallel line would sit at the same time as you and vaughn and I were parallel! Love those coincidences. Also during the ceremony I sat behind manduul. He makes me uncomfortable. I also sat behind Nathan, vaughns friend, and I felt very judged. Am I too much for people? 10:00- I'm free! I zoom toward the exit and to the door and jump into my car. I don't wanna talk to anyone. I head to old navy and call dad. I tell him to meet me there. 10:15- I begin shopping. I enjoy shopping but it can be tough. I like my body now more than I used to, but I've still got some improvements to make. Im really proud of my exercise efforts though. I've been so consistent!!! I can't wait to continue on this fitness journey and to get a better grip on this healthy lifestyle. 1:00- omg, I'm finally done shopping. I can't believe I spent $270 on clothes...... holy shit. I've never done that before. It was my dads money and he was happy to do it but damn. I feel so spoiled. do I even deserve all of this stuff? Probably not. Ugh I'm so privileged it makes me sick. 1:05- dad was gross and flirty with cashier and I really don't wanna be around him but I have a salad at his house I was gonna eat for lunch so I head there and he follows right behind me in his car!!! Oy. 1:15- I eat a green salad from Trader Joe's. It has a lot of fat in it (27 g) but not a lot of protein (14 g) so I'm freaking out and worried about a later binge. Should I have that salmon in there or is it too much? The meal is only 370 calories. Do I need more? Dad comes and eats both of the small containers with salmon. He says it's okay to eat that much bc he worked out!!!! He keeps saying shit like that. It's so triggering. He says it as if you need to earn the right to eat which is such a disordered way of thinking. Is my whole family disordered? Oy vey. 1:30- I try and speed through lunch because this man is driving me insane. I say I'm gonna go to moms house and clean. I end up going upstairs until 2 and I just laid down and looked up things for vaughn and I to do tonight. Couldn't find anything. 2:05- I head to moms house. I grab 2 pieces of gum from dads fridge bc I think it'll rid of the urge to binge. It does for a while. I continue cleaning up and getting rid of stuff at moms while I listen to music. Not aware of the time. I take a break at some point. I head to the fridge and I get a chicken breast from jewel. I heat it up. My favorite part is the fatty skin. Is that completely disgusting? Probably. I'm proud of myself bc I eat it at a controlled pace which is new for me. I also have 3 pieces of shrimp. I'm upset with myself bc I'm watching a movie as I eat it. The love is called Blue is the Warmest Color. It's about lesbians. I question my sexuality for the thousandth time. I see that Jacob (my Ex boyfriends) new friend group posts a picture of themselves with a couch. Why are they mocking my friend group? Whatever! I also make myself a French vanilla cappuccino and I crave some shortbread cookies but I don't let myself. I tell myself to wait it out and let the craving pass because I know I'm not actually hungry. I stop watching the movie at this point and I return to cleaning. I have short text conversation with Spencer about vaughn and then about dammy. I realized that I'm not sure if I really trust vaughn and the relationship I currently have with him is kinda strange and I'm not sure how much I really wanna pursuit it. I really enjoy him though. He's so intelligent and makes great convo. At some point, I make my way to the kitchen again and I let myself have a ton of chocolate. I reach for the box of Fannie may chocolates that I discovered a few days back and rip through half of that, I love the chocolates with raspberry centers. I then reach for a box of European chocolates and they are expired and dusty looking. Yuck. I then eat some m&ms and chocolate squares and it's out of hand. I even have some more maple cookies and I heat up a handheld apple pie from Krispy cream. I heat up a butternut squash ravioli and vegetables lean cuisine and I devour it. I want more pasta. More carbs. I find another pasta dish in the freezer, I heat it, and it's gross. I put it in a container and throw it in the fridge. Wonder what my mom will think about all of the containers and food wrappers in the garbage. I hope she doesn't question me about it. I then have 2 spinach pie triangles and heat them in panini maker. Not very good. Then I make a quesadilla with 2 tortillas and a ton of cheese. I eat that by the tv. I then make another one even though I'm beginning to feel sick. This is the last thing I eat. I drink some water out a wine glass and I'm mad at myself. Go figure. This always ends up happening. I'm not sure I'll ever learn. I go to the bathroom and lay down and I'm in so much pain. I try spitting up my food. Oh yeah, just to mention I was spitting up some of my chocolate earlier on and I did this by running around and drinking water. Anyways, after My binge I'm in the bathroom trying to throw up and my phone is dying so I grab the extension cord thingy and I bring it to the bathroom downstairs bc I enjoy purging into that Toilet better and I charge my phone as I spit food up. Not too much comes up. I watch a video about what to do after a binge. It's not too helpful. I do hear AGAIN that I need to not restrict after a binge. This is so hard to learn bc I always have events coming up. I'm not trying to look like a fat ass at graduation or on birthright!!! 7:20- I decide to head to Weber center to walk. It's raining outside but I need to do something and I don't wanna be with other people. lol I never wanna be with other people. I'm too ashamed of myself. I set a goal for myself to walk 20,000 steps and I compete with everyone walking. Well, that's my day so far. If anything drastic ends up happening, I'll update you in tomorrow's post. Until then, keep on fighting. You are not your illness and I have no doubt that you'll eventually beat this. I love you, rach. Signing off.